Sheer Will or Allowing Room for Pain
I remember thinking I could push my body to do what I wanted as if sheer will and force would make it happen. We hear speeches, read inspirational quotes and books, listen to motivational speakers, and watch videos of individuals who swear by the power of the mind. They speak on the mind being both our limitations and our opportunity for limitless potential. "If you can imagine it, you can manifest it. If you think positively. Open your mind to the possibilities. Put your best into everything you do daily. Set good intentions for the day," they say. This can sometimes become toxic positivity, and that doesn't allow room for when I have the challenging days. Don't get me wrong, sometimes these quotes and mindsets work great to get through a difficult task or a tough day; it has helped me. My only criticism is when this becomes another way to suppress the tears and frustration.
What am I supposed to do on the days when I feel like my body and mind have betrayed me? When I can barely make it from the bed to the couch because of immense pain, neuropathy, loss of motor function to move my muscles properly, tremors, loss of balance, breathing difficulties, migraines, extreme fatigue, and brain fog so thick I can barely speak a sentence that makes sense, etc. Can I say to my brain and body, which are already not communicating correctly, "Hey guys, let's work together and complete everything on the to-do list so I can feel like I accomplished something?"
Probably not. These turn into the days that thoughts of self-hatred- hating the body I was born with because it is so "flawed," the envy of others who can do things I could not, pushing beyond limits to prove something to myself and others that I am just as capable, worthy and determined to be "normal" happen. These are the days when I feel the most alone because it is not a visible illness, and how lonely it can become when you feel misunderstood for something you can not quite explain to someone who doesn't experience the same pain.
So, learning instead to say, "I have permission to feel awful today," has been a phrase I had to teach myself. As I stated in my last post, the long, difficult road to changing my perceptions of illness has not always been easy. It has been years of struggle and many steps, but my life's most significant mindset shift has been permitting myself to feel awful.
Every day is different, and I must remind myself that I permit myself to feel awful today. As my symptoms ebb and flow, so do my feelings, and allowing myself permission to feel frustrated, angry, sad, neutral, happy, content, etc., empowers me. I will have bad medical days, good days, and days that are a mixture of both good and bad. Instead of setting a strict routine and scheduling, I intend to have the best day possible. Then I say, "It's OK if I only care for myself and the necessities. It's OK if the laundry waits another day. It's OK if I can't make that commitment today. It's OK if I can only accomplish three tasks on my to-do list, and it's OK if all I can do is get out of bed. It is OK to feel awful."
If you have a chronic illness and need someone to tell you it's OK to feel awful today, this post is for you. It is OK not to feel OK; everything you have on your plate right now can wait. Don't push beyond your limits, and set yourself back farther. If things must get done, ask for help, give someone else your tasks, and do only the most essential. Give yourself permission.
